Clothespins

I learned a lot about my relationship to pain during this session. I’ve never been a fan of pain in the context of kink. Spanking, sure… but being beaten and bruised, pinched and prodded… that had never caught my interest. The derogatory nature to which I had experienced pain kink up until that point was all I had experienced and heard about. Maybe it was all I could focus on. During this session I needed to be patient with my body, allowing it to adjust to the stimulus so that my mind could focus on creation. The rush of adrenaline, the sharp breath after placing the next pin, new muscles contracting in response. All of those physical sensations needed to be addressed right then and there, and my emotional attachment to them had to be reckoned with in order to accomplish the shot. I learned that the mastery of that process had ignited something inside of me. A blatant affirmation of the powerful grasp I have on my own mind and my emotional relationship with my physical body made my heart flutter as though catching someone's eye across the room. I found myself looking in the mirror at the marks, consoled by the knowing that they would fade quickly, and being so enamored with my vessel. Looking myself deeply in the eyes and feeling proud to inhabit such an exceptional piece of machinery. So efficient in the mind/body connection, that it could pull off self-inflicted discomfort, while simultaneously using technical skills and stored knowledge to complete a creative task.

This experience spoke to my (then recent) awareness of demi-sexuality, auto-sexuality and sapio-sexuality, giving me more information to continue shaping my ever evolving sexual identity.